Things I don’t like, Item 2: John Mayer

It’s the whole thing: playing a handful of chords; that smarmy shit-eating-grin; white guy with a loose Afro; the open pandering to women about how sensitive he is.

In college, we had a couple of guys like that for resident advisers (RA’s) on our hallway. Mayer’s one of those fixtures of school that’s been there for seven years as he’s working on a two-years Masters program in something everyone knows he’ll never use. Guys like that stick around because there’s always some middle-aged, female head of Res-Life who’s delusional enough to think a 28-year-old-townie-to-be wants to screw her.

Ladies, here’s a hint: if he’s in grad school, significantly behind on handing in his thesis, in a band AND you can go to every bar near campus and everyone knows him, strap on a stainless steel diaphragm and frisk him for roofies.

For graduating high school seniors, this is the way it works…

Week 1:
When you’re a guy, you hand in your emergency contacts list and see Mayer with some fresh-faced 17-year-old girl sitting on the floor. As he puts down the guitar he’s tuning to reach for your paperwork, he says something like, “Let’s hang out sometime”, with a smile that qualifies, “but not when I’m tagging jailbait here”.

Week 2:
As you enter the bathroom to take your last piss before you head for the campus bus, you catch her sneaking out of the community bathroom and heading back to Mayer’s room.

Week 3:
She’s such a fixture, she’s on the hall softball team.

Week 4:
She’s all gussied up on a Friday night and they’re “going some place special”.

Week 5:
She’s not around.

Week 6:
She’s not around.

Week 7:
You and everyone else on the hall are awoken at 3 in the morning as she bangs on his door. You don’t know what the issues are, but with her drunken screaming of the words “take advantage”, “asshole” and “raping bastard”, you probably have a pretty good idea.

Week 8:
She transfers to a school closer to her hometown.

For real: Isn’t that “Daughters” song something that a date rapist who’d prey on young women would sing to tempt freshman coeds into his room?